Dynamics and Relationships
Dynamic is a term for the roles consenting people adopt and the way they behave toward each other in the BDSM/Kink aspects of any relationship or scene.
Dom(Top)/sub(bottom) dynamic - These are generally used as overarching/interchangeable terms to describe the power exchange between play partners. One person is the dominant and the other the submissive, although the type of dominant and type of submissive roles they play may vary. Many refer to Top/bottom purely for scenes where there is no ongoing dynamic or relationship.
The key to these relationships is that there is a power exchange between participating individuals within the relationship/dynamic. Generally one person dominates the other, or has power over them, therefore people tend to prefer D/s if they find a power dynamics to be exciting in some way. If somebody identifies as being into D/s, or having a D/s relationship, then they probably include power play in their sex life, and perhaps in other aspects of their relationship.
For most people, being D/s will be something that they only do some of the time (for example, just in pre-arranged scenes – often, but not always, involving sex). Such scenes could involve any kind of exchange of power. Some people who are into D/s might have longer periods, such as a holiday, where they maintain their power dynamic, while others live in that power exchange as a lifestyle or 24/7 arrangements.
There are a range of these power exchange relationships and have different names and Honorifics, some of these include:
- Sadist/masochist
- Rigger/rope bunny
- Master or Mistress/slave
- Care giver/little or middle
- Owner/pet
A significant difference between a D/s relationship and that which would be perceived as a "vanilla relationship" is the importance of the power exchange in the lives of those involved. Some D/s dynamics very much look like a vanilla relationship, but with more power-play when they have sex. Others, have something of the dynamic in other parts of their relationship.
So while many people distinguish these types of relationships, it is worth mentioning that even in "vanilla" relationships, each person usually takes on specific roles (e.g: one person will take on responsibility for certain aspects like finances or child care etc.), in D/s relationships those things are usually more explicit, discussed, negotiated and agreed between, rather than just assumed. This is one of the key differences between D/s and "vanilla"relationship.
It is extremely important in power exchange relationships and dynamics that the extent of that power exchange is discussed, negotiated and agreed to. No one person in the relationship or dynamic has more power than the other. Both the Dominant type and the submissive type have equal power going into discussions, each of their wants, needs, limits etc must be respected and acknowledged.
Myths about power exchange dynamics
The submissive has all the power. This is extremely misleading assumption. The submissive has autonomy of what power they are willing to give up to the Dominant type, conversely the Dominant has autonomy over what power they are willing to take on over the submissive. For example, a Dominant may not want to take on the responsibility of financial control of the submissive, and they can say no to accepting that power exchange, this is no different to the submissive setting their own limits and boundaries.
Dynamics are abusive. Unfortunately the media portrays kinks like BDSM in a very negative light, with a general focus around the lifestyle being abusive etc. BDSM is not about abuse as it is founded on informed consent. If there is not informed consent then it's not BDSM, its abuse.
How do you experiment with power exchange relationships
A good starting point for people in a relationship who are looking at experimenting in D/s dynamic, is to communicate. This is to communicate with each other your sexual and non-sexual interests early on, what would they like to experience from the relationship, and more broadly what roles you would like to explore etc. Often people will just assume what the other person will enjoy and like to experience, rather than asking or communicating.
Using our Kink Worksheet in the downloadable resources can help you better communicate as you explore kinks and this type of dynamic. We also provide a more comprehensive BDSM/Kink checklist excel document if you want to get more specific about your limits and experiences.
It is also important to do research, visit other good Kink/BDSM educational websites, ask questions in our forum, go to local BDSM events. Asking questions of other Kinksters in the community about safe practices and lifestyles can help you with better understanding what you are wanting to experiment and experience.