Negotiating play is vital for new players or for those who have never played together. Once you get to know someone, you can likely forego some negotiation for spontaneity unless you have something you'd really like to experience. But situations like play parties and more casual encounters will require you to have some negotiation skills employed.
When you are ready to negotiate with someone, have in mind what you would like to experience. You can be as specific as you'd like to be and a perfect opportunity to go through your BDSM/Kink checklist (see below) to discuss what you are interested in experiencing and your limits around those experiences.
Consent
Consent is the foundation of safe play in the kink community. it forms the basis of the various acronyms such as SSC, RACK, PRICK and CCCC. In the kink community, you should have informed consent of all participating partners in a scene prior to the scene commencing - this includes negotiating and consenting to what activities will happen, safewords, aftercare etc.
There are three types of consent:
Express consent - Where there is direct communication (written or spoken) that parties give to each other. This in the kink-community can be a genuine, positive and enthusiastic "YES!", it may also be a contract or written down agreement to a particular scene etc.
Informed consent - The more informed you are of the risks etc the more authentic and enthusiastic your consent can be. When negotiating a scene, knowing all the risks involved is important, because can you really enthusiastically consent to something that you know nothing about?
Implied consent - This is not so common in the kink-community as it makes an assumption that someone is open to whatever it is you are doing. The assumption comes from inferring from someone's body language, physical actions or inferring concept from their words. It is not express consent and is a very grey area when it comes to BDSM. It is much better to have an enthusiastic partner.
So, how can we make sure we have consent?
- inform yourself on activities you are interested in participating in. look them up speak to other kinksters about them. Look and discuss the risks.
- Consent can be revoked at any time. So it is important to do check-ins and respect the use of safewords.
Consent doesn't have to be complicated.
BDSM checklist (Yes Maybe No)
A BDSM checklist is an exploration tool developed by BDSM practitioners to help them organize their kinks, fetishes and interested activities, as well as provide them with a negotiation tool for playing with others.
Altlife members will have access to a fairly comprehensive and customisable BDSM checklist document. However, creating your own list is not that hard and you can follow this simple guide
|
Activity |
Yes / No / Maybe |
Experience |
Comments |
|
Spanking |
Yes |
Intermediate |
Enjoy it as a funishment, only on the backside with palms only no instruments |
|
Flogging |
Yes |
intermediate |
No marks or welts should be left |
|
Belts (impact play) |
No |
N/A |
Trauma trigger |
|
Anal Penetration |
Maybe |
No experience |
Nervous about this |
|
Watersports |
No |
N/A |
Not interested |
To create your checklist, take a piece of paper and write down every activity you can think of in the first column, or even have a browse of our kink page for inspiration. In the second column, decide whether you are interested in participating in that activity with a Yes, No or Maybe. In the third column is where you list your experience with that activity, eg: are you a beginner, experienced, never tried it before etc. Lastly, we always suggest you leave a comments column. This is to add additional information eg, whether something might be a trauma trigger for you, or that you are interested in participating in impact play but you don't want welts or marks left on your body etc.
You can also find a great worksheet in our downloadable resources area that can help with negotiating your scene/session.
Understanding limits
So what are limits? A limit is something you do not wish to do, whether by choice or necessity. Limits establish what you will or will not allow for yourself in play or serving, and it could even extend to any interaction with a play partner.
A hard limit is something you will not do under any circumstance. A soft limit is something that at this time you do not think you want to do, but perhaps it may be something you will only do with a specific play partner, or in a specific play situation.
If there are things you haven't tried before that you are uncertain about, there is always opportunities to explore and learn before making a decision about what is and isn't a hard/soft limit for you.
Safewords
A safeword is a word or signal that ends BDSM play instantly. It can be any word that isn't a part of common play speech.
It is recommended that words like "stop" and "no" aren't used as safewords as they can be used playfully depending on the scene and may cause confusion. Some people may wonder if they really need a safeword. The answer is yes, you absolutely do. Anyone who tells you otherwise is not practicing safe play and you shouldn't participate with them.
The most common safewords are known as the traffic light system, Red Yellow/Amber and Green.
When discussing and negotiating safewords for play it's important to ensure that they are easy to remember and say. You should also discuss and agree on a system of safe-gestures (for when you are unable to speak or become non-verbal in a scene).
How the traffic light system works:
Red: means stop. Saying this will mean you want your partner to stop everything they're doing immediately. It should be used when you're not comfortable, things are getting too much, or you no longer consent. If your safeword to end the scene is used, this should then initiate aftercare.
Yellow (or amber): means slow down. Maybe you liked what they were doing but then it became a little too much. Yellow is basically saying "reel it in a little bit". It can also mean you're reaching your limit, or are edging on physical discomfort. At this point you play partner should initiate a check-in with you to assess where you are at and whether play should continue or change etc.
Green: means go for it. Use green if you like what your partner's doing, you feel totally comfortable, and you want them to continue. This safeword or gesture is usually used during a check-in.
How to say no
In the kink-community, expressing your needs and wants is not only expected and encouraged, because consent is at the foundation of everything we do. This means it is also important to be able to say "NO", when you are asked to do something you aren't interested or comfortable in doing. While it can be intimidating to say NO, remember that your feelings and boundaries are valid and must be respected.
So here is a couple of pointers in saying NO where you are being asked to do something you are not interested in, makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, or you feel may negatively impact on your mental health etc:
- SAY IT - clearly and concisely. Use a clear statement such as " No, I am not able to do that", No, I cannot participate in that"
- BE ASSERTIVE - you don't have to be rude, but make sure you stand by your decision.
- YOUR EMOTIONS AND NEEDS MATTER - stand by your boundaries. They are valid and it's OK to be selfish.
Remember that anyone who does not respect your boundaries or decision (attempts to coerce you or manipulate you into changing your mind) is unsafe and you should not engage in play with them.