What can I say about my thoughts tonight…🤔
Am I alone?
I often reminisce the feelings that once were my everything? What it felt like to be in the arms of a/the dominant counterpart.
The admiration you feel when they near, the being able to be your raw core self in those moments together. I often wonder will I ever truly be able to have that again? It’s so much more than physical. It’s the being connected so deeply that you feel linked to their very being, the soul dance you only feel with that one person when you’re together. I miss having that someone that knows me best, a person who knows exactly what I need, what I lack. The intuition to guide me in what I should be doing to grow as as an individual and as an extension of them as their counterpart.
I often run amuck in my own head without it, my mind never rests anymore. There’s so much peace and serenity when you can have that with someone you can be your true self with. No masking, no walls just your bare soul on display for them and them alone. I have hope I will meet that someone for me, but it feels like a dream more and more each passing day. Being in my masculine energy all the time has built walls even my most traumatic experiences could never understand or compare to.
I know what I want, and it not be easy to find in todays society. Todays relationships are typically not the vibe for me. Most surface level, not built for the faint of heart, I need depth. I crave a connection, intellect that drives the mind to always crave more.
I want to be in my feminine when with them, feel safe and protected from the harshness in life, the cruelty that lingers in other’s intentions. I want to be their person they confide in, to be told everything they aspire in life and be at their side for the journey. I want to be the proud little who says YaY, I knew you’d do it Daddy/Sir and give them that look of sincere admiration.
My submissive side misses the rush, the excitement, and obviously the physical.. but it’s so much more to me than all that. I long to be able to show my service in ways of simple worship like massaging them after a rough day, helping them take care of simple things like grooming. Just simply being in their presence when they want me there, to show my dedication.
My little side misses cuddles, being admired for letting my heart on my sleeve innocence be exposed. That feeling when the only person in the world that makes you feel that way looks at you and you can see the glimmer in their eyes. Being scooped up in their embrace, so tightly the world ceases to exist as long as they’re holding you. The simplest things “ did you eat today?, You need sleep lil one, Time to release from your sponserbilities BabyGirl you’ve done enough today”
I want all that back in my life someday, I can’t imagine living without that again after having it for but a brief moment in my journey. Life without a lifestyle dynamic aspect has been very hard to get use to again. It has left a void no amount of preoccupation with chores, hobbies and spending time with my children can ever seem to fully distract me from feeling that void within myself.
Anytime I find myself thinking in my feminine about what the future may hold, my masculine energy swiftly reminds me how small those thoughts are. Nothing more than fantasy, to be at peace with being whatever I am now..
Definitely in my thoughts tonight, at peace, but tortured by the void.
Late night thoughts & reflections with xXScarletXx