I have led myself down a rabbit hole into a world which is so comfortable and yet so destructive.
The dark skies above my head colliding and swirling in a sea of black and purple broth, just waiting to explode in an instantaneous burst of blinding energy and pain. The ground beneath my feet is sodden. Rich in dark browns, and its earthy smell is intoxicatingly numb to my mind. Sending me into my own dizzy whirlpool of forgetfulness. The surrounding land is dark, contoured and devoid of any life which does not prey on darkness. I am constantly fondled by fools and jesters whose faces are twisted in horror from the world they only know.
Each step draws me deeper into the darkness, where the suffocating fog of damp soil, burning wood and sickly incense clouds my head until I feel as if I am walking blind and alone. Though despite its openness, I constantly find myself walking in circles, at dead ends and at the edge of rocky cliffs. There appears no end to this maddend roaming. I have been deserted and left here to spend my days searching for what never existed. A way out.
Every hour that passes, I find myself again at the same beginning. A small set of dirty stairs at which I am atop of to once again descend down into that fog of nightmares. To again be shredded of my dignity, of my humanity, to once again become another clown in this god forsaken world. The sound of trumpets fill the air as I descend those stairs, the cackle of laughter resounds in my ears as I step onto the sodden ground to begin my everlasting search. Again each time, I find myself at those stairs and another piece of my soul is missing. Another piece of me has been lost along the way.
I do not know how long I have been in here, but I am noticing that time has been passing by. My hair is ragged and long. I have not eaten and so I am exhausted and in desperate need of nourishment. Every step I take the pain is forced through my entire body and I fall to my knees gasping for breath, before digging my nails into the ground and dragging myself along. I know I will lose myself completely here, I can feel my heart and soul becoming smaller glimpses of what was once whole. I know this world will take me soon, I can not keep this fight up for much longer. But I still have hope.
As the sands in the giant hour glass, that represents my life fall quicker and quicker, I feel the strength in my character fade slowly way into the swirling vortex of the sky. The repetitive laughter is a dull ache in my head and the trumpets an indistinguishable buzzing sound that has mixed with everything else in this place. I fear that I will lose my eyesight, as I cannot see clearly anymore, and I am too tired to notice any detail of this place. Although I take breaks to calm my nerves and compose myself, the silent sobbing that comes from my dying body is all I seem to remember anymore. I don't even remember why or how I came upon this place, or what I have been searching for, all I know that I must venture out, only to come back to the start and do it all over again until I have what I need.
My body does not stop shaking now. I can only hear my way through this mazelike prison. There is only darkness now. I often feel a soft touch across my skin every now and again. But nothing ever comes of it. Once I thought I had been helped up by another person, someone else trapped in this place, who could carry me to where I needed to go. Though, I was mistaken, that never happened, there was never anyone else here, but the jesters whose time is spent tormenting me, throwing me off course and back to the beginning again.
This world will break me sooner or later. I don't have much hope left in me and I know my body is almost at the point of death, but I must press on. I keep telling myself it’s only a few more paces, and then I feel the dirty stone stairs again and I begin sobbing, screaming, crying at a world I can no longer see, a world whose noises are slowly fading away. Soon I will be left with nothing but my tired, frail body. I have nothing left of my heart, and what is left of my soul, is that small shimmer of hope I hold on to for my own sanity. Once the sounds are gone forever, I know I will be left here to die, I will be locked away forever in this prison.
I'm curled up now on the top step of those stairs. There are no sounds anymore. I am lying here, cold and tired in a world that I can no longer see or hear. I feel no gentle touches against my skin anymore, just a deathly cold breeze that passes over and under my rags of clothes. I have no more strength to move or cry out anymore. All I can imagine is that candle of hope that was my soul. I watch it flicker with that same cold wind. I know once that candle goes out I will be in eternal darkness. I have no strength anymore to shield it from the wind, and as I feel a gust move over my body I watch as the candles flame flickers one last time and then there is eternal darkness. I feel myself fall, screaming as I do into the vortex that has been waiting patiently for me and then there is nothing.
(apologies for grammar and spelling mistakes)